


Cults Are Really Just An Excuse To Hold Your Crushes Hand

by pinky_toe



Category: South Park
Genre: Blood, Bunny Isn’t Though, Cult, Don’t Worry It’s All Fine, F/M, Knives, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Style Is Established, The Blood Isn’t Gruesome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-15
Updated: 2019-12-15
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:55:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21802516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinky_toe/pseuds/pinky_toe
Summary: “You wouldn’t understand. The reason the cult exists is something that you are incapable of understanding. My curse is something that I am forced to suffer alone. None of you guys get it, and you most likely never will. Y’know what? I’m gonna skip school, fuck you Kyle.”~~~Kenny creates a cult to try and find out why he’s immortal, but after three years of rituals, and no new information, he’s starting to lose hope.
Relationships: Kenny McCormick/Leopold "Butters" Stotch, Kyle Broflovski/Stan Marsh
Comments: 1
Kudos: 48





	Cults Are Really Just An Excuse To Hold Your Crushes Hand

Kenny’s cult started soon after they stopped playing superheroes. Feeling like his friends didn’t understand him, Kenny reached out to the goth kids and they agreed to help him out and join his cult.

It was purely an accident that Stan, Kyle and Cartman knew about this at all. They only found out about it when Kenny was in the middle of a meeting in his room, and Cartman barged in unexpectedly and blabbed to Stan and Kyle about it after he left. Trying to be supportive, Stan offered to join, with Kyle reluctantly joining as well. Kenny was at first skeptical, not trusting them to not tell everyone, but they proved him wrong and officially joined his cult. 

They had three new members since then, Kenny’s crush, Butters, Kenny’s ‘best friend’, Cartman, and Wendy, who Kenny suspects only joined so she could keep an eye on Cartman. 

It was nearing the three year anniversary of the cults beginning, and a meeting was scheduled to be held on Saturday, with all members expected to attend. 

~~~

Kenny sat in class on Friday, writing down last minute notes about the ritual and passing them to Henrietta, who scoffed and ripped them up, before using her all black stationary to reply. Kenny doesn’t know why she rips up his notes, but he assumes it’s just her style and doesn’t question it. Wendy does however, and when she catches her wasting paper, she pulls a fit and creates a massive screaming match. 

Kenny looks at Wendy, making sure she doesn’t notice the complete waste of paper going on across the classroom. Wendy is too preoccupied with the lesson though, and Kenny notices her sneak glances at Cartman before blushing and taking down notes. 

‘Huh, that’s weird.’

Kenny refocuses his view to the person sitting in front of Wendy, Butters, who is also taking down notes, scrunching his face up in deep concentration. He’s adorable, and instead of planning out the next ritual, Kenny spends the rest of the day swooning over Butters. 

~~~

The next day, Kenny’s mood completely changed, he became serious, wearing all black and lighting candles in a pentagram shape. Pete and Michael had already arrived, holding their copy of the Necronomicon and wearing their robes, that were hand-sewn by Karen. 

“So,” said Pete, flipping his hair, “When are those conformist jocks going to get here? I don’t have all day, my bitch mom needs help with dinner tonight.”

Kenny resists rolling his eyes, knowing that he is referring to Stan and Kyle, “I don’t know, but Kyle said that he would be here about 12:15, and Stan is basically glued to Kyle at all times, so they will be here soon. Just be patient and help me find the right page.” 

Pete groaned, but helped, and after 20 minutes of waiting, the entire cult had joined them, all of them sitting around the pentagram and loosely holding hands. 

Kenny held both Butters’ hand and Kyle’s, not missing the glare that he received from Stan, who was holding Kyle’s other hand. Stan was very protective of his boyfriend of 7 months, always being at his side and holding his hand whenever possible. They hadn’t kissed yet, Kenny thinks, because if they had, Stan would be doing it 24/7. Kyle didn’t miss the glare either, and rolled his eyes as he elbowed Stan in the stomach. 

Beginning the ritual, Kenny began to talk, “Dear fellow members of my cult, I welcome and congratulate you all on our three year anniversary. It has been deeply inspiring to me, seeing you all commit to this cult, helping me try and find out who I really am. I am aware that some of you don’t believe me when I talk about my powers,” said Kenny, eyeing Cartman, “But I hope you all continue to contribute and enjoy this cult. Thank you.”

They was a small round of applause, mainly from Butters, who was smiling, looking at Kenny like he was a God. Kenny blushed, and quickly looked away, getting up to the small box containing his ritual knives and taking one out. He sat down, and began the ritual, starting to chant as the others joined in, Kyle noticeably not knowing the words, looking at Stan and copying him.

Kenny flexed the knife in his hands, still chanting, before cutting his finger, letting his blood drip down onto the pentagram. Stan had turned green, and Kyle was rubbing his back supportively. Stan had always been squeamish at the sight of blood, wincing whenever Kyle had to prick his finger to check his blood sugar, and puking whenever Kenny died in a particularly gruesome death. 

Just like every meeting, they did different chants, using different people’s blood, but still no results showed. Kenny didn’t want to mention it, but he was losing hope, starting to think that what he was doing was useless, and wasting his and his friend’s time. 

The cult cleaned up all of the blood, blew out the candles and took off their robes, going home, leaving Kenny alone. 

~~~

On Monday at the bus stop, it was immensely boring. Ever since Stan moved to the farm three years ago, he couldn’t catch the same bus as them, so now Kyle was constantly texting him, completely ignoring Cartman, who was yelling obscenities at him to try and get his attention. 

Realising that Kyle was swooning, and therefore useless, Cartman moved onto jeering at Kenny. “Hey Kinny! Poor boy! What a shame that your ‘ritual’ didn’t work out, seems that Satan only likes people who can afford to eat more than just cereal and pop tarts every day. What a shock!”

Kenny just growled, his fists balling up and shaking with unbridled rage. “Fuck off Cartman, I’m not in the mood for your shit today.”

“Oh, why not? Too busy making goo-goo eyes at Butters all day? I bet you’d be in the mood if he offered you se-.”

“Shut up! Shut the fuck up, fat boy! I am not in the mood for your bullshit, so would you kindly fuck off!” snapped Kenny, whirling on Carman and shoving him into the snow. Cartman started crying, yelling for his ‘myem’ and waddling home, muttering about stupid hillbillies.

“Whoa,” said Kyle, looking up from his phone to stare at Kenny, “What was that for?”

Kenny breathed in a deep breath, watching Cartman go, before turning to Kyle. “I, don’t know. Normally his stupid comments don’t effect me, but today I let them.”

Kyle put his phone away, putting his hand on Kenny’s shoulder supportively, “Well, I’ve found that normally Cartman’s insults really sting when he’s right. So, that means that you believe what he’s saying, which is never good. Y’know what? We have about,” Kyle takes out his phone to check the time, before putting it back in his back pocket, “10 minutes until the bus comes, so, do you wanna talk about it?”

“Um. Well, yeah, I guess.”

“Alright, so. How about you tell me about the cult? You seemed really angry when Cartman started ripping on it, what’s that about?” 

“Oh. Well, I guess I don’t think the cult is gonna work. I mean, we’ve been trying for years, and we’ve found out nothing! All I wanna know is why I’m here! Why do I have this immortality curse! How do I-.”

“Wait,” Kyle interrupted, looking incredibly confused, “What the fuck are you talking about? Immortality? Curse? I thought you started the cult because you wanted to make friends with the goths, not to ‘find out why you’re here’.”

Kenny felt like punching Kyle, right in his bright green braces. Of course he wouldn’t get it, why did he think he would? Kyle hadn’t gone through any of the pain and suffering that Kenny had, instead, Kyle got a loving family and a caring boyfriend, while Kenny got a curse, a failing cult and an unrequited crush. 

Kenny shrugged off Kyle’s hand from his shoulder, and glared at him, “You wouldn’t understand. The reason the cult exists is something that you are incapable of understanding. My curse is something that I am forced to suffer alone. None of you guys get it, and you most likely never will. Y’know what? I’m gonna skip school, fuck you Kyle.” said Kenny, walking home and ignoring Kyle yelling at him. Kyle probably won’t talk to him for a week after this, and in extension, Stan as well, until Kenny apologises, which Kenny doesn’t feel like doing at all. 

Walking back inside his house, Kenny collapsed onto his bed and looked up at his cracked ceiling. 

Considering how he had nothing to do, he sat up and took out his ritual candles, making a small pentagram and lighting them. He started to chant again, taking out his knife and cutting his finger as usual. 

As he chanted, he couldn’t stop himself from thinking about Butters. Kenny could clearly imagine Butters’ expression when he finds out what he said to Kyle, he would be confused, then worried, and then he would defend him, telling Kyle that he was just having a rough day, and to give him a break. It still shocked Kenny, how Kenny could be a complete and total asshole and Butters would still defend him. Smiling, Kenny continued to chant, closing his eyes, and imagining Butters and him holding hands and walking on a beach in Hawaii, like the good old days. 

As Kenny keened, he didn’t notice his blood start to glow, and his candle’s flames turning purple. A figure started to emerge from the small pentagram, nearly burning themselves as they struggled to fit in the middle of the star. 

“Hey,” said the figure, jolting Kenny from his fantasy, “What do you want? I kinda had things I wanted to do, and being summoned by you wasn’t one of them.”

Kenny looked up at the black haired demon in shock, amazed that his ritual finally worked, “Oh! Um, well. I’m immortal, and I want to know why. Can you tell me why? Please?”

The demon laughed, “Dude, I have no idea why you’re immortal. I don’t think my Father knows either, but he’s with God at the moment, so I can’t ask him.” The demon studied Kenny’s heartbroken face for a minute, before clicking his fingers in recollection, “Wait a minute! You’re Kenneth McCormick, right? I’m Damien Thorn, the son of Satan, from 3rd grade. Do you remember me? I turned you into a platypus.”

Kenny was too upset to answer, but he did recognise that name, and remembered his brief time as a platypus. 

Damien groaned, “Hey! Stop being so sad, being immortal is better than being a mortal, trust me! I’ve lived in Hell my whole life, and being tortured sucks ass. Just be grateful for what you have, Jesus Christ.”

Kenny looked down, he had been searching for answers he wasn’t ever going to get. He felt useless, wasting all his time on something that meant nothing. Wiping his eyes, Kenny looked up at Damien, silently begging for something, anything to happen in his favour for once. 

Damien rolled his eyes, “Look, I feel sorry for you and all that, but I honestly don’t know what caused you to be immortal. Something about a Cthulhu cult, and drinking while pregnant, I don’t really know, I wasn’t paying attention when Father told me about it. All I remember, is that Father doesn’t know why you’re immortal, and God doesn’t know either. Just look on the bright side, you can live forever! Think about all the effect on the world you can make! I would prefer you to do evil, but I guess that’s your own choice. So, stop being a little bitch baby and get over it already. Peace out.” Damien pulled the middle finger and vanished in a puff of smoke, dramatically blowing all of the candles out. 

Kenny sat there for a minute, in complete shock, before slowly getting up and walking to school. He was silent as he entered the school, classes already in session. Hall monitors yelled at him, but he just ignored them. He walked into his classroom in complete silence, sitting in his seat and ignoring everyone’s blatant staring. 

Kenny’s life had just been turned upside down, permanently. It was just confirmed that not even God or Satan knew what the fuck caused his immortality. Kenny felt hopeless, and considered killing himself right there and then, but he didn’t want to upset Butters more than he probably already was.

Looking up, Kenny saw that everyone had turned back to the teacher, all except one person. Butters was still looking at him, eyebrows creased and lip quivering. Kenny smiled, and mouthed, ‘I’m ok’, to which Butters grinned and turned back. 

Kenny smiled, he may not ever know why he’s here, but he still has his reason to live, and that’s enough for him.

**Author's Note:**

> I have absolutely no idea how cults work, so please excuse any inaccuracies that I’ve written. This story was based off of a prompt by @dailyau on tumblr, and they’ve really given me inspiration, so if you need some, check them out!


End file.
